Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
