I CAN MOONWALK!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
