I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
