Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
