im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
