I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
