What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
