bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
