he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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