if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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