dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
