Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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