I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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