i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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