Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Are we still banned from the library?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
