You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
