alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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