I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
