he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
