someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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