i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Someone came in the potted fern
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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