I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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