if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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