If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
