Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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