Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
