I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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