I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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