Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
