I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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