Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
