i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
