Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
