Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
