She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
