i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
