I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
