i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
