I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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