there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
