saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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