fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
