i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
