I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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