Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
