i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
