I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
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He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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