There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
