I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
