Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
