Just fell off a train. Bad.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
