I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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