highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
