I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
