Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
